Go Go Go

I am six hundred words in and three days behind on my Script Frenzy. It took me so long to get started. I have been anxiously awaiting the start since December of last year, but for some strange reason, I was completely blank when the gun sounded. I’m tired, bone tired. I think that my creative juices are held back by shear exhaustion. I need to find more blance and newness in my life. The monotony of work and play has begun to eat away the core of me.

I have a few weeks to catch up, I’m not worried about making the deadline. I have even stumbled upon a pretty good story. I just need to focus on nurturing my sould in the coming weeks so that she can speak clearly to the page.

The Countdown has begun

Two days left until Script Frenzy. I still don’t have any real idea of my story, but, at least I have a Main Character. That’s a start.

Wyatt’s Eyes

I am a father to three beautiful children. Violet and Scarlet–our girls–are amazing little girls. Wyatt, my son, is a very special boy. The longer I am a father, the more I realize how unique it is raising each gender. The girls require a lot of touch. “Hold me,” is the most common phrase they utter. Wyatt requires answers more than anything. “Why? Where? When? How?” His never-ending questions are exhausting sometimes, but, they need to be answered.

It seems to me that he needs my focused, engaged attention more than the girls. He needs to know that I’m listening, that I’m watching, that I’m impressed, excited, and proud of him. I’ve been struggling with him lately.

I have been very busy recently. The kind of busy that leaves me hollow and lifeless by dinner time. Wyatt goes to bed at 7:30 PM, so by the time I get home, there are precious few minutes to spend together. He is acutely aware of this and tries to monopolize every moment. I have been a bit more hesitant. “In a minute,” I say that more than any other combination of three words. Every day it seems like I recite that line a hundred times or more. I want to stop. I want to put aside the day and give my son the much-needed attention he deserves.

Finding My Voice

I have spent most of this weekend on stage. I received a call late last week asking me to play a part for a short one act drama. I haven’t been on stage in a while, I must admit, it felt wonderful. I played the part of a loud out-spoken and ultimately embarrassing individual who caused a little too much trouble at a stuffy meeting of religious zealots. Just like real life.
I had a lot of fun playing the part, especially because it hits so close to home right now. I have been in a very dry season of spiritual doubt and fear. At first I tried to patch the hole that I felt in my belief system, but, I soon realized that I needed a complete over-haul. I had to strip down all my thoughts, beliefs, convictions to a simple set of truths that I simply could not escape. I thought it would be easy. It hasn’t been. I didn’t realize how infected my soul had become by the viral nature of religiosity.
This weekend sealed the deal a bit. I am starting the re-building process now. I realize that I know a lot less about God than I thought. I’m okay with that. If I could figure out God, then where do I stand? I also am beginning to realize how much damage I have done to the truth that Jesus came to give us. I spent a lot more of my life trying to figure out how Jesus applied to my life than actually being like Jesus and helping out, befriending people, healing the sick, giving to the poor, caring for the needy, loving the unlovable. Jesus had a lot of things to say to the religious leaders of his day. If the leader of the church today are listening, what is Jesus really saying today?

Writing to Find the Truth

Life is in the details. I understand that more now than ever. I used to lok at my life as some future that I was striving to arrive at, but now, I see life in the journey. I am a very introspective person, often to a fault. I can easily spend hours thinking about (obsessing about) all the finite details of my existence. While such times should make me feel better, I often leave feeling more hopeless and alone than ever. That is why I started writing.
I am a liar. I lie to myself best of all. In times of struggle I often tell myself the most absurbly crippling things. But, when I write, the truth begins to surface like cream on fresh milk.

*A quick note: I hope that it is obvious , but, I am speaking of truth that becomes personalized. I don’t want to sound arrogant or all-knowing. God knows, there are plenty of others that gaurd that post.

I find writing as the perfect medium for emptying my head of falsehoods and getting to the root truth of my issues. I used to think that journaling was the only way to draw out such things, but, recently I have seen dramatic reality in my fictional pursuits as well. It is amazing to me how much control the logical mind asserts on the soul. When I am able to subvert that part of me and give my heart a clear path to the page, the truth is unable to hide under logic.
Okay, so how is it done? If you have never been able to get past the “Left-Brain” in your writing, I suggest a few things:
-Write with abandon! Check out sites like Nanowrimo or Script Frenzy and sign up. I did nanowrimo for the first time in 2006 and it was life-changing.
-Do not let your logical side get in the way. Just write, do not stop to think. Think later, write NOW!
-Find your way as you go. If you plan too much, you’re being logical. A rough plan is great, but a 50 page outline for a two page article is absurd.
The most important thing in writing is writing. Carry a journal, an Alphasmart, or a laptop, and use it every minute you can. Learn to love writing above all else and it will reward you with great truth.

Finding Purpose

Life sneaks up on you. One day you are seventeen and invincible, the next…your thirty something and nursing sore knees. An aging body can be problematic, but, a more present evil is an aging soul.

When we are young and the world is open for us to explore, life looks pretty spectacular. At some point between then and now, we come to realize that life carries a lot of responsibility. We need to work. We need to pay bills. We need to have the car serviced. We need to go food shopping. All of these responsibilities begin to pile up and seem to choke the “life” out of life.  Until one day we wake up and find that we never did the one thing we knew was ours alone to do in this world. Maybe you were supposed to be mayor, or a lawyer, I was going to be in a band.

Why is it, that we forsake the one thing we know we should do, in order to heap unnecessary burdens of responsability onto our backs? I believe that the problem lies in our programing. From a very young age, we see images of the ideal lifestyle. Big house, good job, beautiful spouse, etc., etc., etc.. While in and of themselves these things are fine, the unexamined pursuit of them is toxic to our souls. There  is nothing about a big house that makes one a better person. There is nothing about a beautiful spouse that completes a person’s soul. We have traded an image for the truth. Yikes!

So, I had a birthday last week. As usual that fact led me to consider my life and purpose. I was shocked to find the emptiness creeping up my throat. Wait a minute…I know I am supposed to do something, to be someone, but, what? I’m not exactly sure. I’m looking a bit more intently than I have been.

Stretching Out

My wife and I have been blogging about our quest for a more simple lifestyle at Changing Rhythm for a few months now. I love documenting our struggles and successes, but, I have been feeling a little bit constrained by the nature of the blog, so…I decided to start my own. I still plan on regularly contributing to Changing Rhythm, but, I feel that this site will give me more freedom to explore the myriad issue that haunt me daily. I hope you find this site encouraging and maybe a bit disturbing–in a good way. Please, comment away! I love discussion, it is what makes the Internet such a great place. Where would we be without the thoughts of others? Enjoy!